Starting to feel as though when you talk your husband hears nothing but white noise? Or do you feel as though when you make statements or assertions your husband doesn’t take you seriously? Either way you aren’t being heard, which can create tension in a marriage. Many wives claim that their husband looks at them but he is not actually listening and that sounds bitter. On one hand you can’t understand why your husband isn’t listening to you, but on the other hand your husband may think he’s listening but in reality he’s tuning you out. Instead of nagging him or resorting to a grandiose dramatic gesture there are ways to get your husband to not only listen to you, but really hear what you have to say.
1. Consider your approach. Think about what you are saying and how you are saying it. o Whining. Maybe you may not identify your tone as whining but most men will automatically tune out a whiny tone from their spouse. Take a step back and recall what your voice sounds like when you are trying to get your husband’s attention. o Too forceful. Are you getting in your husband’s face to get your point across or verbally attacking him to get his attention? o Too quiet. The opposite of being too forceful, soft spoken gals sometimes aren’t heard if they speak too quietly. o Beating around the bush. Instead of just coming out and saying what you mean, are you passively burying your statement? For example, ' ' I was talking to my friends about our nails and then we went to lunch and shopping, but then I realized that I needed to talk to you about _ _ _ _ _ _. ' ' By the time you get to the point he’s already zoned out at the word ' ' nails. ' ' 2. Are you trying to talk to
your husband when he’s being attentive? Some people are more attentive first thing in the morning, whereas others do better in the evening. When you want to speak to your husband about important matters are you picking the wrong time? Obviously everyone has work and a scheduled day so you most likely can’t indiscriminately choose the exact time, however you can find the best time to talk to him. o Examine when he wants to talk. Review your day together and identify a time during the day when he seems to be most in tune to you. o Consider external factors. Do you seem to try to talk to your husband while Sports Center is on TV in the background or when he’s answering emails on the computer? Figure out if you are attempting to reach out when he could potentially be distracted. 3. Do you know when he’s feeling stress? Some men like to bottle up stress inside, which makes it difficult for a spouse to know whether they are being ignored or if they are stressed out. If you can’t discern when your husband
is stressed, it can cause problems because you may be talking to him about a topic concerning you but he’s checked out and worried about something else. 4. Do you hear your husband when he’s trying to talk? In some cases, you both may be talking over each other and not realize that no one is being heard. If he likes to make his point, but you are talking over him, he may think that since you don’t listen to him, why should he listen to you? o Do you give him your total attention when he wants to talk to you? Do you read or do other tasks when he needs to talk? Or do you discount what he says and minimize his feelings? o Do you only want to hear about certain topics? He may excitedly want to talk to you about something that happened at work, but you may be bored or disinterested. He can pick up on that cue and may feel as if you don ' t care. 5. Set aside a neutral time to discuss your feelings. Keep in mind that when you talk about the issue, never put the ownership on him. Even though he is not
the one who is listening to you, you have to take ownership of the issue. Instead of saying, ' ' You make me feel upset when you don’t listen to me ' ' say, ' ' I feel as if you don’t hear what I’m saying and I’d like to resolve that issue. ' ' o Discuss your feelings in a quiet, comfortable environment. You don’t want him to feel threatened or ready to get the third degree. Make sure the lighting is soft and the room is comfortable for your discussion. o Start by owning your feelings. Tell him how much you love him and how lucky you are to have him in your life. Explain that you want to have a strong partnership and you feel as if you bringing the same strength to the relationship because you aren’t able to effectively communicate your thoughts, ideas and feelings. o Ask for suggestions. He may be the best person to tell you how to get him to listen to you. Instead of saying, ' ' You don’t listen so tell me how to get you to listen ' ' say, '
' I want to make sure you have all the information and ideas necessary to fortify a strong partnership. ' '
• Make eye contact with your husband when you are trying to communicate with him. • Remember that getting your husband to listen to you is a process - - it may take several attempts.
• Stop yourself from nagging. While you may be frustrated and annoyed, nagging will only prevent you from reaching your goal.